Grief, guilt, and grace: Finding meaning after loss
Seeking guidance to find meaning in this catastrophe and for the strength to bring something good from it.
“God, why did you let this happen?”
When Jody was taken from us so suddenly and unexpectedly, I never asked that question. I don’t believe that God takes our loved ones away from us. Instead, I believe life unfolds in ways beyond our control, and God is there with us, grieving alongside us, sharing in our sorrow.
But at first, I did blame myself. There were clear signs that something was wrong with Jody. In the weeks leading up to her passing, she wasn’t feeling well. Though she couldn’t put it into words, she just didn’t feel like herself—she was exhausted easily and didn’t look healthy. I blamed myself for not insisting we go to the ER, for not pushing to run more tests to figure out what was happening. Part of me held back because she was seeing a doctor and a cardiologist, and they didn’t seem overly concerned. “We’ll get it figured out” was the message. Well, clearly we didn’t.
However, after speaking with friends and medical professionals, I came to understand that, in all likelihood, there may not have been anything anyone could have done. That helped me let go of the guilt, but it didn’t ease the deep sadness or the tragedy of it all. To lose my wife of 33 years, just three months before our first grandchild was due to be born—that felt like a cruel twist of fate. She was so excited to be a grandmother. Before she passed, she even chose the names we would be called—she was to be Mimi, and I was going to be Papa. Our son and daughter-in-law lived just six minutes away, and Jody had planned to be deeply involved in their lives, helping out with the baby and becoming an integral part of the babysitting team. But that was not to be. We all felt robbed, cheated, as if the joy we had been expecting was suddenly stolen from us.
Those feelings still surface often. So, while I never asked God ‘why’, I did pray for His help—for guidance to find meaning in this catastrophe, for the strength to bring something good from it. I wanted to use this experience to somehow benefit others, to make sense of the loss and turn it into something that could help others heal. That’s what led me to start this blog. The feedback I’ve received from others—how my words have helped them, given them comfort—has been one of the few things that has made sense of this pain.
Every day, I pray for guidance: to live in a way that honors Jody, to make the most of the time I have left, and to be a source of support for others. I don’t know any other way to move forward.
Love you all
About Paul
If you've navigated the complexities of love, loss, or life's unpredictable twists and turns, this blog is for you. Paul, who was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease in 2022 and lost his beloved Jody in 2024, is also a father, new grandfather and a speaker/writer. Paul writes to make sense of the world around him, sharing his personal journey through grief, Parkinson’s, and life's challenges. With a mix of lightheartedness, thoughtfulness, and unwavering authenticity, Paul offers a relatable and heartfelt perspective on the human experience. His writing is often described as warm, genuine and deeply moving.
Paul, thank you for sharing your story. It’s very touching and relatable in an unexpected way. I was a grandchild who lost his grandmother in under a month before I was born in 1982. I was the first grandchild in our side of the family. I have no memory of what my family went through and how hard that must of been for my Dad who lost his Mom as well as my Mom who was looking forward to sharing me with her. Although I did have a deep connection with her and that was though my grandpa her husband. My grandpa was my best friend for the first 12 years of my life. He really took care of me and taught me life lessons that have always stuck with me. Even though there was 66 years between us, he never treated me that way. He always talked to me as an equal and took care of me. He was a vital part of my everyday routine. Grandpa with his kind advice and useful tips gave me direction and insight I tent to still use today. I could tell him everything and we would talk about anything and everything. We helped one another; me, grow up through my adolescence; him, cope with the loss of his wife, my grandma. I never met her, but he always kept her spirit alive through his honest devotion and dedication to their bond. We most likely visited the cemetery together over 100 times to pay our respects. I think he went nearly every day. Their grave site hoold a special place in my heart and I can’t think of a more physical location that I’m connected to then their final resting places.
I just want to share my story as I hope it helps you understand that your grandchild can also have a connection with her though you. My grandpa was not a forthcoming person, but he was honest and always open. And being an an inquisitive kid, I constantly asked questions and he took the time and care to answer any I would ask.
I wish you and your family all the very best as you share today, your futures and cherish the past together.
-Sam
Thank you for sharing this beautiful story, Sam. I agree 100%.