Building a Strong Relationship: The 5A’s to Look For

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what factors make for healthy, caring relationships, and which factors raise caution flags. As I embark on the journey of meeting new people and dating, I think it’s important to figure out what you’re looking for to ensure a good fit. This is part of the journey, discovering what matters most to you when it comes to connecting with someone.

Like anything, I believe there are ‘nice to have’s’ and ‘must haves.’ Those categories may be shaped quite differently by different people. For instance, a recreational skydiver may like to have a partner that shares that hobby, but it may not be a need. And probably shouldn’t be.

I was blessed to have been in a loving, reciprocal relationship for over three decades that taught me a lot about what it takes to nurture a long term relationship. From that as well as more recent experiences, I’ve identified five qualities that are important to me, which I call the 5A’s.

The first is attentiveness. It’s important to be with someone who listens deeply, who cares about understanding you fully. A partner who picks up on the little things that matter to you and shows up in ways that reflect that. For instance, a simple gesture like using your name or a term of endearment instead of a generic “Hi there” on a text can make a difference. It’s not about changing who you are, but about being considerate of each other’s preferences in meaningful ways.

The next is affection. A touch on the arm, holding hands when at dinner or taking a walk, cuddling up while watching a TV show together. One of the things I really miss is having my back scratched. Sure, I’ve purchased several back scratchers and use them frequently, but it’s not the same as having your person scratch your back, in part because it’s a way to demonstrate affection and create shared moments of intimacy between you.

Then there’s alignment. When your values, interests, and ideals are in sync, the bond grows stronger. Of course, no relationship will ever align perfectly, and that’s okay. Differences offer opportunities for growth and exploration. But if there’s not alignment there needs to be agreement that it’s not an issue. Agreement that your person doesn’t see things the same as you do and you are fine with agreeing to disagree. If it’s not okay, and it becomes a genuine deal breaker, better to know that sooner than later.

The fourth is appreciation. Taking note of the little and not so little things a caring partner does for you that they don’t have to. Not falling into a mindset of taking things they do for granted. Expressing your gratitude frequently for how they make your life easier, less stressful and more enjoyable. Being grateful for the time you get to spend together, because all we are given is today.

Lastly, a good partnership requires acceptance. Acceptance of the other’s quirks, lack of perfection, their humanness. Their failures. Acceptance that perfection in relationships is unattainable, but so long as there is full commitment to making the relationship work, you can work through just about anything.

Attentiveness, Affection, Alignment, Appreciation and Acceptance. In the end, these 5A’s are just a framework, a starting point for reflection on what truly matters in a loving relationship. Everyone’s journey is unique, and what works for one person may not work for another. But by focusing on these qualities, I believe we can cultivate relationships that are meaningful, enriching, and lasting. The process of getting to know someone, of finding your person and building a relationship together, is a beautiful and sometimes challenging adventure. As I continue to navigate this path, I remain open to learning, growing, and embracing the connections that come my way.